I Once Thought I Was Toxic

I Once Thought I Was Toxic

But now I understand what was really happening.

For a long time I believed I was the problem.

That I was too reactive.

Too emotional.

Too intense.

Too toxic.

And honestly, sometimes I was.

But here’s the part I didn’t understand back then.

I wasn’t born that way.

I became that way because I had to protect myself.

When you’re constantly being gaslit, manipulated, or made to feel small, you start fighting back in ways that don’t even feel like you.

You raise your voice.

You match their energy.

You shut down.

You say things you don’t mean.

You lash out, not because you want to hurt them, but because you’re drowning in what they’ve done to you and it spills out sideways.

I wasn’t toxic by nature.

I was toxic in defense.

It was a survival response to emotional chaos.

A mirror held up to someone else’s dysfunction.

And the moment I felt safe again, I didn’t need to act that way anymore.

Because the truth is, I’m kind.

I’m loyal.

I’m deeply caring.

I pour into the people I love.

But when that love is met with cruelty, disrespect, or emotional manipulation, I break.

And in that brokenness, I used to react in ways I’m not proud of.

I used to think it made me bad.

Now I know it made me human.

What I’ve learned is this.

The version of me that shows up depends on the environment I’m in.

In a space of peace, I am soft.

In a space of safety, I am loving.

In a space of honesty, I am open.

But when I’m pushed, ignored, disrespected, or repeatedly hurt,

I shut down.

Or I push back.

And yes, sometimes I become someone I don’t recognize.

That doesn’t make me toxic.

It means I was in survival mode.

It means I had to learn how to protect myself, even when I didn’t know the healthiest way to do it yet.

Healing has taught me how to regulate, how to walk away, how to not match energy that isn’t mine.

But I will never shame the version of me who was fighting for air in a relationship that was emotionally suffocating.

She did what she could with what she knew.

If you’ve ever felt this way, like you lost yourself in the chaos, like you weren’t proud of who you became just to survive someone else’s dysfunction, please hear this.

You’re not toxic.

You’re not too much.

You’re not broken.

You just needed safety.

You just needed space to feel.

You just needed love that didn’t come with conditions.

And when you finally find that, within yourself or with someone who sees you clearly,

you’ll see

you were never the problem.